This morning, I woke up earlier than usual to attempt the snowy commute up the highway to work. When the cheerful alarm sounded at 5:45 on my Samsung Galaxy S5, I noticed a missed call, a voicemail and a text message. Hopeful that it was the bosses calling to alert me of a snow day being announced, I frantically scrambled to check.
The missed call, text and voicemail were all from my friend Mike. They had all come in at 4:30 am. I kept in mind that on the east coast it was an hour later, but knowing him, I inferred that it was probably a "still awake" communication rather than a "just getting up" one.
The text message read:
"Ur Instagram got hacked. There's a lotta *expletive*s on it right now. You may wanna secure ur biz before you get to class"
Sure enough, there were indeed a lot of *expletive*s on my Instagram. About 88 pictures worth.
The expletive in question was in reference to the female anatomy.
The account appeared to be from Russia, which made it even more upsetting since I am something like 1/8th Russian.
How could you do this to me, Mother Russia?
I spent a good amount of time deleting every single of one of the pictures, turning my account into a private one, changing my password. It took quite a while and was one of the least pleasant mornings I have encountered in a long time.
In fact, I stomped out of the bedroom shouting "*Expletive* Russian *expletive*s!"
In my 34 years on planet earth, this was the first time I have uttered this at 6:05 in the morning. Will it be the last? Who's to say. I kind of hope not.
All that to say I am not exactly pumped about social media at the moment. The reviews may be a little more brief today.
As often is the case during the countdown, my thoughts tend to change on some movies after they are already ranked. Admittedly, I may have been a little harsh on Jurassic World, regardless of how disappointed I was in it overall. As I was writing yesterday, I felt like I was describing movies that were worse than JW, and that's because they were.
Maybe the rankings will be a little more fluid, almost like an ESPN power rankings. At the beginning of each week I can adjust accordingly...? I'm not expecting JW to all of the sudden crack the top 20, but it probably deserves (a little) better.
Anyway...
#45 Kingsman: The Secret Service
Matthew Vaughn first appeared on the scene as the homie, the consigliere, the right hand man of Guy Ritchie, producing Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels as well as Snatch. His directorial debut, Layer Cake, an action-packed drug caper more straightforward than then either of the first Ritchie films, did two things: 1) made the best use of Duran Duran's "Ordinary World" ever; and 2) introduced the world to Daniel Craig as a sleek, sexy leading man. Yes, Layer Cake (and to a lesser extent, Munich) was essentially Craig's audition for the role that would define his career as the 8th 007. From there, Vaughn as a producer and director has served up both strikeouts (Kick-Ass, X-Men: Days of Future Past) and walks (Swept Away, the latest Fantastic Four, X-Men: First Class).
Kingsman stars Colin Firth as Harry Hart (A.K.A. Galahad), a member of the mysterious group of secret agents whose code names correspond to the Knights of the Round Table (hence, "Kingsmen"). After one of the agents dies in action, Hart visits his widow and young son to give them a posthumous medal of valor; on the back is his contact info if they need anything at all. Fast forward 17 years, and the Kingsmen are looking to replace their recently vanquished Lancelot. The son is now grown up and goes by, of all things, Eggsy. After Eggsy gets himself in a legal scrape involving a joyride in a stolen car, he's bailed out by Hart, who, as it turns out, has had an eye on him for years. He invites him to join the other recruits vying for the open slot in Kingsmen, where they will take down villainous tech mogul R. Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson), whose henchwoman, Gazelle, killed Lancelot--on his orders, with her prosthetic legs that double as swords. Firth does well in a rare turn as an action hero, and Taryn Egerton shows promise as Eggsy.
A lot of people really liked Kingsman --and trust me, I get the appeal--but for the most part, I couldn't get into it. It was at least 25 minutes too long. The whole "speed-up to show the POV of the bullet/slow-down to show teeth flying out of jaw" thing that is so big in action movies these days was used way too often, almost more like a narrative device than a cinematic trick. And Samuel L. Jackson as Valentine was playing an over-the-top caricature of Samuel L. Jackson; more like Chappelle's impression of him than himself. There was a sequence in the middle (chock-effing-full of speed-up/slow-down) in which a whole church full of people (Firth included) hears a signal programmed into everyone's sim cards (uhhh) by Valentine that causes them to go berserk and more or less fight to the death. This was when--for me, anyway--Kingsman finally tipped the scale from silly and exaggerated to full-on jumping the shark.
Back with more hacker-free (hopefully) 2015-16 movie recaps tomorrow.
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