2014 Movies: #57-55

Right back to it, yeah?


#57 Godzilla

Ugh. Long movie with not nearly enough Godzilla, and far too little Bryan Cranston. He heads a talented cast (Elisabeth Olsen, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Juliette Binoche, Sally Hawkins, Ken Watanabe, David Strathairn) that is mired in lack-of-developed-story land. Why are they wasting our time talking about the concept of nuclear fission and discussing military strategy when we could be watching Godzilla destroy buildings and body slam Mothra?

#56 The Equalizer

Over the years, we have seen Denzel alternate between two modus operandi: Denzel the dramatic actor, and Denzel the action movie star. Denzel the dramatic actor hadn't been out in years before a slam-dunk return to form in 2012's excellent Flight. I thought to myself, hell--does this mean he is going to stop churning out the high-paycheck, gun-toting, box office dominators now? I thought so, until his next starring role was in a movie called...2 Guns.

It's certainly not like Denzel doesn't have the capability to do the shoot-em-ups well (Man on Fire, Inside Man). It just has to have other things going for it, which this one absolutely does not. Paired up with Antoine Fuqua again for the first time since Training Day, Denzel plays Robert McCall, a guy with a "mysterious" background who now lives out his days having fun with his Home Depot knockoff co-workers. When his friend, young prostitute Alina (Chloe Grace Moretz) gets knocked around by a john, Denzel decides to unleash the retired commando on the Russian mob who is responsible. The result is pointless--literally pointless--violence littered throughout a script that tries to riff on the Denzel-shelling-out-tough-love vibe that worked with Dakota Fanning a decade ago but does not even come close here. The sheer amount of gratuity in the last fifteen minutes would make Tony Montana blush. Come on, man. You're better than this.

#55 The Other Woman

Want to emasculate total badass Nikolai Coster-Waldau (Jaime "The Kingslayer" Lannister from Game of Thrones)? Cast him as the male heartthrob in a bizarre love quadrangle with woman on the side Carly (Cameron Diaz) wife Kate (Leslie Mann) and even younger, more endowed woman on the side Amber (Kate Upton). Carly has met Mark (Coster-Waldau) and finds him to be Mr. Perfect, until she shows up one day at his house in a "sexy plumber's" outfit and his wife answers the door. Oh, snap! What now? Well, what happens is, rather than destroy the woman on the side, the wife decides to--get this--join forces with his floozy to try and take him down. And how about this for a twist? There's a third  woman, and they get her to help too! No, it can't be!

Are you sensing my sarcasm yet? There are moments of hilarity and desperate flashes of brilliance, but for the most part the movie drives its flashy cars into familiar territory and cheap, gross-out laughs.

See you next time!